Never Give Up

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to hold my head high with confidence, even when I've been hurting inside.  It's not easy, and I'm at the end of the road yet, but here's something I know is true:

There will always be someone there for you.  Your friends, family, co-workers, schoolmates, etc..  If you've been bullied or beaten, you're probably saying "No one loves or cares for me".  Your parents hate you, your friends hate you, even random people do.  But, there's more to life than just going through and getting hated on.  There's a reason to go on, even when you think there is.  It's not clear yet, but it's going to become clear.

I've given a million excuses as to why I should die; I'm not worth it; people will get over it; I'm better off dead; no one will notice - Even if they do, they'll forget about it and move on.  Well that isn't true.  Someone will notice your absence; you killing yourself is a sign of weakness, giving up because it's too hard.  It *is* hard, but it'll get better.

Heard those words before?  "It'll get better" - I know you think that's bull, and I did too, but if you try to get help, it'll be better.  It's not going to change over night, or maybe in a few weeks, but there's always hope.  Someone is there and cares for you.  You may say "I'm not worth it" or "No one cares for me", but if you take a second and think about it, there are people who would suffer with you gone.

A few days ago, I had a conversation with a pretty nasty person:

Anonymous:  Go kill yourself

I left when he said that, but was in tears because of it.  I then told my friend about it, and I asked "Why do I keep living, even when people like that can't please me?  I just want to die".  She said the person is a troll.  I said I would die, and they wouldn't care...People would forget about me.  But she said "I wouldn't...".

What.  Kill myself over a person with a sick sense of humor?  I now know that wasn't the answer, and those words still hurt, but with every "troll", comes every "angel".  Giving up would let the troll know he won.  It seems hopeless, but if you evaluate the situation, you can see it's just something that doesn't mean anything in the long run.  Killing yourself isn't the solution; the solution is being the better person.

"The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself" ~ Eddie Vedder

Being alive isn't a bad thing, it doesn't cause people pain; it means you are strong enough to live the life you were given.  Don't throw that away because some nasty people can't stand who you really are, prove them wrong and make the most out of it.  You're always cared for by people who take the time to do it; don't give up.

December

12/14/12

In regards to yesterday's tragedy, I am wanting to dedicate a post about it.  I'm wanting to start off with saying I cannot believe the events that took place yesterday.  It's cruel, it's madness and just horrible.  There was murder, sadness, and worst of all, it happened to 20 innocent young children.  I know I'm stating the obvious, but it's what happened.   There's no other "name" for it.  It's sick.  I've been grieving, and I'm sure a lot of my friends have too.  No one deserved it; not even the person who shot everyone.  He's dead now; so there's no more danger from him, but don't you think we live in a messed up world?

We live in a free country, and people like this make it no better than others who aren't free.  We used to have a good name, and it's soiled by people who don't give a care about what happens.  I get that we have to evolve from what the pilgrims were obviously, but it's become a society that's contradicting itself with so many things.  We used to be a good country, but the changes that have been made recently, and the changes that are being made currently, is too much.

One thing I've learned is that people are afraid to stand up and say something.  Because of the world we live in today, you get beaten for telling your honest opinion in some cases.  You get bullied, but if you think about it, people are just being honest.  It's the thing that you're supposed to do; but people don't want to hear the truth.  The truth hurts, but it's what we have to live with.  Don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in.

Some people think that this world is too messed up to be saved, but is that really the case, or do people not want to save it?  Doing *anything* little, such as volunteering at a shelter, giving food to starving kids, or even being a mentor, is making the world better.  There are a lot of people who want to make this world better; they just don't know how.  And, like I said, they're afraid to speak up.

If anyone in Connecticut is reading this (although, I doubt it), I want to say to not give up hope.  This is horrible what happened, and it's okay to grieve.  After we've grieved, we need to make real changes that will prevent this from happening again.  Banning guns isn't the answer, making this world better is the answer.  Speak up for what you believe, do little things that make this world better; if everyone did the same thing, we'd be on the road to recovery.  That's exactly what I'm going to do.

December

What if You've Destroyed Your Life?

I'm wanting to dedicate this blog post to one of my friends; her friend has broken into houses and stolen things, got addicted to drugs because of an older sibling and is sexually active. He gets into fights at school, but if you think about it, is it his fault, or the drugs' fault?  He gets bullied and is called bad names.  He's totally destroyed his life.  But it's not his fault; he was young, naive and gullible.

Imagine:  A young kid wanting to be accepted. Doing what his friends/brother did, and paying for mistakes he didn't know it would cause. It was wrong at the time, and still is. I look at the world in a different way everyday and see how messed up it is. People are stupid, and the ones who pay for it are the innocent people.

Personally, I've been doing stuff not the best for me. I drink to get rid of the pain, but it's only temporary. I cut, to remind me of the pain I've been caused before, because I want myself to pay for being me. I feel totally worthless. I smoke (kind of, I have bad asthma)...A little. I focus on things that aren't the point of what life really is. I'm destroying myself; I'm tearing my life apart. I'm slashing my wrists and ankles and it's painful. I'm wondering why I'm in so much pain. Others have told me it gets worse before it gets better, but for me...It's not gotten better at all.

Why am I in so much pain? Because it's life. It's my "deck of cards" that I was dealt. I can choose to play my hand wisely, cheat and have it come back to me eventually, or just stop the game and say I'm done. I've been close to saying "I'm done" too many times, but something always is there to stop me. I don't know why, I mean, if I've tried to kill myself this many times, why am I not dead yet? I've destroyed my life and am considered worthless; I'm better off dead. But. Something is there, and is telling me I'm not worthless...Telling me I'm not stupid, or a slut, but I'm good.

To all of the people out there hurting because you've destroyed your life, the pain won't go away because you want it to. It's the deck of cards you've been dealt. You have to be smart and play wisely, or you'll end up losing. I'll keep going until I win. It won't be right away, but there are ways I can get over this. It's depression; it's a mental illness, and it won't "poof" away...It'll go away if I want it to. I don't have to destroy myself, and you guys don't have to either.

Take the time you would regularly hurting yourself, and help someone in need. Show yourself that you can be something if you tried. Stop hurting yourself and see the value in you. It's hard, and I know it is, and you won't heal easily, but there's more hope than you think there is if you take the time to try and find it.

If this blog post was a bit jumbled up to you, sorry...My thoughts kinda flowed out, but I hope I helped someone.

December

Happy Thanksgiving!

I realize I haven't posted in a long time, so I was just wanting to give a shout out to everyone and say I love you all!  =)  Happy Thanksgiving, I'm very thankful for all of my friends on the Internet, my animals, my acting career, my hair (sorry if that sounds vain) and wikiHow.  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

December (June)

What to do when you're on your last nerve

Sometimes, life seems too hopeless to go on. It has seemed that way for me, for a very long time, and it feels like you're in a never ending thing...Something that sucks you in and doesn't let you out, until you go crazy and pry your way out. Some people have gotten into that, and they unfortunately let the monster win. I'm one of those people who gets sucked in, but am looking for a way out. I'm not going to let this thing win.

I've thought too many times about how I can give up, how I can let this thing suck me into its black hole. I've thought about death so many times, and I've know that it's not the solution. I want it to be the solution at times, I've said to myself "you're worthless", "You're nothing important", and the like. There's something inside of your head telling you that. And you're thinking..."It's true. Nothing makes sense, everything's hopeless. ...It's too late. I can't go on any further."

I just realized this past month, that I was wrong. And it's a hard thing to say for me. You're going to let the monster inside of you take control of you? Because that's what I did, and that's what I'm doing. But I'm working on not letting it take control of me, and it's loosening its grip. I feel like I'm worth something. Like I am going to make it, even after people have told me I can't.

This past month has been one of the hardest in my life. I've tried suicide for a long time, again and again, thinking why I was still on this Earth. Late October, I tried it again...And went to the hospital. When I got out, I went on an Internet Relay Chat (IRC) and told a friend about it. I told him even after I've tried so many times to die, I can't. I was actually planning another way to die. But I realized to myself "I've done this so many times...Something has to be worth something to let me still be here." And I then knew I needed help.

I am part of an online community. The people there are some of the best people in the world I believe. If I didn't have them, I'd be dead. Literally, dead. They're the reason I'm alive. They are the reason I am strong right now.

It's been a few weeks and the pain is still here, and it's not going away. I've pretended to be happy, everywhere. I thought that people wouldn't leave me alone if I showed my emotions. But I then knew I was wrong to do that. I've kept my feelings inside long enough, and there's nothing wrong with telling people you're hurting. It makes you stronger; it helps you build as a community. And as a second family, they're always there for me.

There are still times where I think no one is there for me. Tonight as I'm writing this, I feel like I'm not wanted. I don't know why, I just feel lost. But I have to remember they're there for me. I can ask for their help and they'll always be there. I've chatted with people who have told me that they have no one. They think they were a mistake, just like me, and I know they probably don't have the support like I do. To them, I want to say that it's not true. You have support, you just need to be brave and ask for help. There's no shame in doing so; your life's important. And I just figured that out.

Sorry for the long post, and there's plenty more. I know I haven't posted in a long time, and that's not going to continue. I hope to overcome my troubles with you guys, and if any of you need to talk, please know that people care. Reach out and they will help you. Overcome the monster inside of you, don't let it take your life.

December

You feel alone....But you're not

Ever get those feelings when you're so alone, you think no one cares for you, and you feel you have nothing else? So lonely and just not feeling cared for, not wanting to be alive, feeling like you'd be more valuable dead than alive? Well, trust me, you're not alone.

When you feel depressed, or even suicidal, you'll get that feeling of helplessness inside of you, like you are going to die, because you think no one knows what you're going through. While it may feel true in your worst times, it's not. There are people there to help you and talk to you.

Recently, a few months ago, I was on the edge, crying my eyes out because I was so lonely. I felt like no one was there and felt like I couldn't wait until morning for people to talk again, I felt....Alone. Little did I know that I have people who love mw. They helped me get better to a certain extent. Whenever I feel bad, I look at their messages and think about how they would miss me if I died.

There are times when you can feel so alone, like you can't talk to anyone, and no one's active (online), awake, or you'll feel like you'll bother someone if you tell them you're alone. Don't hesitate to tell people. There are people who you'd be surprised that would offer to help. Sometimes, you'll say "No one cares for me", or "They don't care for me". Even if it feels like that, you can find refuge at places that are meant to help.

I know it sounds weird, but I love you all who are suicidal, depressed, or just feeling down. I'm always here to talk and lend a hand. I've saved a few lives (Somehow can't save myself?) and know what you're going through. You are not alone. You are alive, and even though you feel you're at the end of your rope, there's always someone who cares, and is willing to help.

Some helpful sites if you're ever down, http://crisischat.org and http://imalive.org

December (June)

Words can hurt

OK, I'm going to admit I've had a pretty stupid week, and it doesn't help at all about the suicidal thoughts. "A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart" - Exactly what has happened this week. I'm wondering tonight how many people have gotten called names. And how many people who have called others names. There are soooooooooooo many mean people in the world, and this week, it's been a racist world. How many of you guys are from a different country, and have gotten badmouthed for coming from a different country? It's not pleasant, that's for sure, and I don't think it's easy to get over it. One of my favorite quotes/poems:

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words can also hurt me.
Stones and sticks break only skin,
While words are ghosts that haunt me.

Slant and curved the word-swords
Fall to pierce and stick inside me.
Bats and bricks may ache through bones
But words can mortify me.

Pain from words has left its scar
On mind and heart that’s tender
Cuts and bruises now have healed
It’s words that I remember.

If anyone's said bad things to another person, please know that it makes nothing better for anyone. Know that you can't take back what you said, and, it could mean the difference between life, and a fatal accident. It also means you're hurting inside, and while being mean feels like a fix for your problems, it will make others feel bad and won't fix anything. Think before you speak.

Life's been pretty much depressing, and I'm pretty sure it'll get better, but until then, I'm just going to have to wait it out. I hope you all can, too. Best of luck,

December (June)

Overcome: Pilot

Hi all. I don't know really where to start...I guess I'll tell a bit about how I'm wanting this blog to be about. From the title name, it'll be about, overcoming life, in ways of suicide, depression, and just in general. I'll talk about things that have happened in my life, and, how to fix them. I'm hoping this will be a support for all of the people who have had bad thoughts and stuff. Although, I can't totally believe it yet, life will get better. Even of it's not there yet, it'll get better.

I've gotten inspiration to start this from many life changing events, good and bad. I'm wanting to say that I'm struggling every day with thoughts, and evilness, it's all around us, and it can't be stopped. However, we can overcome it. How? I can honestly say, I don't know. But, we will.

For this first blog post, I'm wanting to open up and tell you guys a bit about my life, and how it's bad. It's gotten betrayed, lied to, beaten up, and other horrible things. I've tried suicide 13 times. However, something throughout all of those times has kept me alive. I'm determined to find out what. I'm here for a reason. There's something in me, deep down, saying "I don't wanna die". Someone smart once told me that. I didn't believe it, but when I thought about it more, I can. I'm trying to heal, although, it's super hard. I have support from tons of friends, and will continue to overcome the hardships.

Plenty of my friends have had problems too. Suicidal, depression, self-harm, financial, emotional, physical, sexual, unspoken things, and know the road I'm on. I'm wanting to dedicate this blog to them, in hopes that they might someday read it, and know that I'm not creating this for me, but for them. I'm doing it for the people who think I should stay alive. They're the best people I could be around, and I couldn't ask for better friends.


With that, I'll conclude this pilot. Until later posts,

~ December (June)