Never Give Up

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to hold my head high with confidence, even when I've been hurting inside.  It's not easy, and I'm at the end of the road yet, but here's something I know is true:

There will always be someone there for you.  Your friends, family, co-workers, schoolmates, etc..  If you've been bullied or beaten, you're probably saying "No one loves or cares for me".  Your parents hate you, your friends hate you, even random people do.  But, there's more to life than just going through and getting hated on.  There's a reason to go on, even when you think there is.  It's not clear yet, but it's going to become clear.

I've given a million excuses as to why I should die; I'm not worth it; people will get over it; I'm better off dead; no one will notice - Even if they do, they'll forget about it and move on.  Well that isn't true.  Someone will notice your absence; you killing yourself is a sign of weakness, giving up because it's too hard.  It *is* hard, but it'll get better.

Heard those words before?  "It'll get better" - I know you think that's bull, and I did too, but if you try to get help, it'll be better.  It's not going to change over night, or maybe in a few weeks, but there's always hope.  Someone is there and cares for you.  You may say "I'm not worth it" or "No one cares for me", but if you take a second and think about it, there are people who would suffer with you gone.

A few days ago, I had a conversation with a pretty nasty person:

Anonymous:  Go kill yourself

I left when he said that, but was in tears because of it.  I then told my friend about it, and I asked "Why do I keep living, even when people like that can't please me?  I just want to die".  She said the person is a troll.  I said I would die, and they wouldn't care...People would forget about me.  But she said "I wouldn't...".

What.  Kill myself over a person with a sick sense of humor?  I now know that wasn't the answer, and those words still hurt, but with every "troll", comes every "angel".  Giving up would let the troll know he won.  It seems hopeless, but if you evaluate the situation, you can see it's just something that doesn't mean anything in the long run.  Killing yourself isn't the solution; the solution is being the better person.

"The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself" ~ Eddie Vedder

Being alive isn't a bad thing, it doesn't cause people pain; it means you are strong enough to live the life you were given.  Don't throw that away because some nasty people can't stand who you really are, prove them wrong and make the most out of it.  You're always cared for by people who take the time to do it; don't give up.

December

12/14/12

In regards to yesterday's tragedy, I am wanting to dedicate a post about it.  I'm wanting to start off with saying I cannot believe the events that took place yesterday.  It's cruel, it's madness and just horrible.  There was murder, sadness, and worst of all, it happened to 20 innocent young children.  I know I'm stating the obvious, but it's what happened.   There's no other "name" for it.  It's sick.  I've been grieving, and I'm sure a lot of my friends have too.  No one deserved it; not even the person who shot everyone.  He's dead now; so there's no more danger from him, but don't you think we live in a messed up world?

We live in a free country, and people like this make it no better than others who aren't free.  We used to have a good name, and it's soiled by people who don't give a care about what happens.  I get that we have to evolve from what the pilgrims were obviously, but it's become a society that's contradicting itself with so many things.  We used to be a good country, but the changes that have been made recently, and the changes that are being made currently, is too much.

One thing I've learned is that people are afraid to stand up and say something.  Because of the world we live in today, you get beaten for telling your honest opinion in some cases.  You get bullied, but if you think about it, people are just being honest.  It's the thing that you're supposed to do; but people don't want to hear the truth.  The truth hurts, but it's what we have to live with.  Don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in.

Some people think that this world is too messed up to be saved, but is that really the case, or do people not want to save it?  Doing *anything* little, such as volunteering at a shelter, giving food to starving kids, or even being a mentor, is making the world better.  There are a lot of people who want to make this world better; they just don't know how.  And, like I said, they're afraid to speak up.

If anyone in Connecticut is reading this (although, I doubt it), I want to say to not give up hope.  This is horrible what happened, and it's okay to grieve.  After we've grieved, we need to make real changes that will prevent this from happening again.  Banning guns isn't the answer, making this world better is the answer.  Speak up for what you believe, do little things that make this world better; if everyone did the same thing, we'd be on the road to recovery.  That's exactly what I'm going to do.

December

What if You've Destroyed Your Life?

I'm wanting to dedicate this blog post to one of my friends; her friend has broken into houses and stolen things, got addicted to drugs because of an older sibling and is sexually active. He gets into fights at school, but if you think about it, is it his fault, or the drugs' fault?  He gets bullied and is called bad names.  He's totally destroyed his life.  But it's not his fault; he was young, naive and gullible.

Imagine:  A young kid wanting to be accepted. Doing what his friends/brother did, and paying for mistakes he didn't know it would cause. It was wrong at the time, and still is. I look at the world in a different way everyday and see how messed up it is. People are stupid, and the ones who pay for it are the innocent people.

Personally, I've been doing stuff not the best for me. I drink to get rid of the pain, but it's only temporary. I cut, to remind me of the pain I've been caused before, because I want myself to pay for being me. I feel totally worthless. I smoke (kind of, I have bad asthma)...A little. I focus on things that aren't the point of what life really is. I'm destroying myself; I'm tearing my life apart. I'm slashing my wrists and ankles and it's painful. I'm wondering why I'm in so much pain. Others have told me it gets worse before it gets better, but for me...It's not gotten better at all.

Why am I in so much pain? Because it's life. It's my "deck of cards" that I was dealt. I can choose to play my hand wisely, cheat and have it come back to me eventually, or just stop the game and say I'm done. I've been close to saying "I'm done" too many times, but something always is there to stop me. I don't know why, I mean, if I've tried to kill myself this many times, why am I not dead yet? I've destroyed my life and am considered worthless; I'm better off dead. But. Something is there, and is telling me I'm not worthless...Telling me I'm not stupid, or a slut, but I'm good.

To all of the people out there hurting because you've destroyed your life, the pain won't go away because you want it to. It's the deck of cards you've been dealt. You have to be smart and play wisely, or you'll end up losing. I'll keep going until I win. It won't be right away, but there are ways I can get over this. It's depression; it's a mental illness, and it won't "poof" away...It'll go away if I want it to. I don't have to destroy myself, and you guys don't have to either.

Take the time you would regularly hurting yourself, and help someone in need. Show yourself that you can be something if you tried. Stop hurting yourself and see the value in you. It's hard, and I know it is, and you won't heal easily, but there's more hope than you think there is if you take the time to try and find it.

If this blog post was a bit jumbled up to you, sorry...My thoughts kinda flowed out, but I hope I helped someone.

December