What if You've Destroyed Your Life?

I'm wanting to dedicate this blog post to one of my friends; her friend has broken into houses and stolen things, got addicted to drugs because of an older sibling and is sexually active. He gets into fights at school, but if you think about it, is it his fault, or the drugs' fault?  He gets bullied and is called bad names.  He's totally destroyed his life.  But it's not his fault; he was young, naive and gullible.

Imagine:  A young kid wanting to be accepted. Doing what his friends/brother did, and paying for mistakes he didn't know it would cause. It was wrong at the time, and still is. I look at the world in a different way everyday and see how messed up it is. People are stupid, and the ones who pay for it are the innocent people.

Personally, I've been doing stuff not the best for me. I drink to get rid of the pain, but it's only temporary. I cut, to remind me of the pain I've been caused before, because I want myself to pay for being me. I feel totally worthless. I smoke (kind of, I have bad asthma)...A little. I focus on things that aren't the point of what life really is. I'm destroying myself; I'm tearing my life apart. I'm slashing my wrists and ankles and it's painful. I'm wondering why I'm in so much pain. Others have told me it gets worse before it gets better, but for me...It's not gotten better at all.

Why am I in so much pain? Because it's life. It's my "deck of cards" that I was dealt. I can choose to play my hand wisely, cheat and have it come back to me eventually, or just stop the game and say I'm done. I've been close to saying "I'm done" too many times, but something always is there to stop me. I don't know why, I mean, if I've tried to kill myself this many times, why am I not dead yet? I've destroyed my life and am considered worthless; I'm better off dead. But. Something is there, and is telling me I'm not worthless...Telling me I'm not stupid, or a slut, but I'm good.

To all of the people out there hurting because you've destroyed your life, the pain won't go away because you want it to. It's the deck of cards you've been dealt. You have to be smart and play wisely, or you'll end up losing. I'll keep going until I win. It won't be right away, but there are ways I can get over this. It's depression; it's a mental illness, and it won't "poof" away...It'll go away if I want it to. I don't have to destroy myself, and you guys don't have to either.

Take the time you would regularly hurting yourself, and help someone in need. Show yourself that you can be something if you tried. Stop hurting yourself and see the value in you. It's hard, and I know it is, and you won't heal easily, but there's more hope than you think there is if you take the time to try and find it.

If this blog post was a bit jumbled up to you, sorry...My thoughts kinda flowed out, but I hope I helped someone.

December