My Story

I posted this on Twitter (TwitLonger), but I'll post it here too.

I'm June. I am a 20 year old women who loves acting, friends, and for one in her life, loves life. Of course, it didn't start out that way.

When I was 6, I was excited to go to school. Friends, learning, I couldn't wait. Unfortunately, there was bullying. Even when you're that young. I got bullied because I was Asian. My eyes are slanted, I'm really short and I'll never be as good as an American. I told my parents about it, and they took me out of school. For six, I was a major talker though, and my parents thought I needed more social stuff, so they let me explore new things. Art (they got me little finger paints), music (took piano lessons) and...Acting. I found myself in the theatre. It's the best thing. By now, I'm about 9. Successful in acting at a young age, I played lead roles pretty much every play. It was a place where I felt like I belonged...And I felt happy. And, I wanted to do it when I grew up.

As I got older, I wanted to have more responsibility. And of course, am a lot older now. Life is going pretty awesome, and I love it. I was once a Christian, and I guess always a "good girl"...Naive too; I didn't know what was right and wrong...

I met this really cool kid when I was about 12...I thought he was fun to hang around and nice to talk to. But as we both got older, he got more of the "bad boy" name. I didn't see it though, I guess I was...Infatuated. And then, was the first of the many mistakes to come, he asked me out. (14 right about now, and him two years older) We dated for a while, and he acted like he really liked me. But stuff happened, and he changed. He was bad for me, but I couldn't see it.

One night, my parents were out of town and they agreed I could have a friend over to keep me company. So, I had him over (mistake). We watched a movie and had popcorn and drinks (water for me; pop is too fizzy). I don't know what happened, but I think he drugged my drink. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground with my clothes off being raped (15). I remember bits and pieces; and one thing that will ALWAYS stay in my mind, is he told me if I told anyone about what had happened, he'd kill me before I got a word out. 

I was indoors so no one could hear me scream. I couldn't fight back because I felt weak, so I just laid there. 

After that, my self esteem fell. Memories from first grade came back, along with his words of shame to me. And then I started cutting. When I was 16, I tried killing myself. 

When I was 17, my sister died because of cancer. I was devastated and tried suicide again. I thought God had saved me twice and tried not to do it again. When I got a bit older, more things got worse. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, the person who raped me was a really good actor, so he was in most of the plays I was in. Every time he looked at me, he gave me an "I own you" look. But I couldn't stop acting...It was the thing that thing I had spend the first half of my life building up...I loved it, I couldn't stop it!

Cutting, suicide attempts, self-harm and torture from a co-actor. Later joined a chat site and told a little bit about myself...And got called nasty names. Cyberbullying and they didn't even know me. Then, I thought it was true. They actually made me *feel* worthless, (literally, they called me worthless). I was broken and tried suicide again. Didn't work out...O.o 

After a few unsaid things in this, I'm about 19. I then found this awesome website with an awesome community. They are the reasons I'm alive; they've given me hope, and they're always there for me. But even then, there are some people who made my life miserable there, too. I've learned..One bad person compared to 100 good people is nothing to be sad about. I shouldn't focus on the negative, I should focus on the positive.

On May 23rd, 2012, a dear friend passed away in a car accident by a drunk driver. Life was getting so much better, from traumatic events to endless bullying, I thought it was finally better...For 6 months. I fought with this friend before she died a few months earlier and never apologized...I thought it was my fault. It was horrible and I thought my life was over; I was feeling guilt every day and couldn't go a night without crying, finally deciding to try suicide again. It was so hard.

After she passed away, I became an Atheist. My family, all being Christian, did not like that decision and I've gotten beat by my dad a little because of it. :/

In the Summer this last year, I posted a forum at my website telling people I wanted to kill myself...They said to get help and I did. It was hard, and it was getting to be okay for a few weeks.

Late in the Summer, I got a job directing a play and got the privilege of starring in a play...At the same time. It was the worst 3 months of my entire life (which is saying a lot). I was the female star, and my rapist was the male star. I wanted to kill myself again and was sick to my stomach, thinking about not doing the play. But it was so good on my resume, I did it. I broke my knee in the process, but I finally made it through. I also stopped getting help in this time, because I was so busy.

In October of this last year, I tried suicide for the 12th time and got caught by a friend. In the hospital, I was actually thinking and asking myself why I was still alive. The day after I got out, I went right away to plot again how I'd kill myself in this never ending Hell. No longer trusting God or anyone, I felt completely hopeless and lost. But...I again asked myself, why am I still alive? After all of this that has happened to me, why? 

Because I was meant to be alive. 

I got help from a therapist and have been going kinda strong ever since. The play ended and I was feeling awesome.

Last Saturday though, I got an e-mail (it is Thursday) from the rapist. He told me he knows I told someone about what happened, and I told someone. Anxiety attack and ready to kill myself again, I got the courage to call the police. That night, he got arrested and I was a free person; weight lifted off of my shoulders.

Thinking everything was going to get totally better, I wrote a song called Hope is Alive two days ago. Then that night, my best friend in the world killed herself. I don't know why, she never showed any signs of depression. Her note said she couldn't stop herself. I fought with her too, at Christmas and was thinking her suicide was my fault because she felt alone and lost a best friend. I feel so much guilt, but know it is not my fault (thank you friends). I didn't know it wasn't my fault though, and ready to kill myself. 

Right now, still a heavy heart, I know it will get better. My rapist is gone and I'm not afraid; my friend is gone, but I know she'll always be alive within me. It's not totally better now, but I know it will get better. I cut a lot, but I drew a butterfly on my arm not going to cut for a month (3 days strong).

I started @SuicideStops because I want to help people. I want to give them hope. I want to be the voice that people may not have. I don't want people to suffer the same thing as me. It will get better luvs, please DM me, friend me on Facebook or message me if you need to talk. 

Read my blog, too. http://overcomingever.blogspot.com - I am beginning to love life, even after how horrible it's been. From little things I may have missed in my story (don't want to bore you), I know exactly what you're doing through. Anyone; you're beautiful. (= xx

December