What to do when you're on your last nerve

Sometimes, life seems too hopeless to go on. It has seemed that way for me, for a very long time, and it feels like you're in a never ending thing...Something that sucks you in and doesn't let you out, until you go crazy and pry your way out. Some people have gotten into that, and they unfortunately let the monster win. I'm one of those people who gets sucked in, but am looking for a way out. I'm not going to let this thing win.

I've thought too many times about how I can give up, how I can let this thing suck me into its black hole. I've thought about death so many times, and I've know that it's not the solution. I want it to be the solution at times, I've said to myself "you're worthless", "You're nothing important", and the like. There's something inside of your head telling you that. And you're thinking..."It's true. Nothing makes sense, everything's hopeless. ...It's too late. I can't go on any further."

I just realized this past month, that I was wrong. And it's a hard thing to say for me. You're going to let the monster inside of you take control of you? Because that's what I did, and that's what I'm doing. But I'm working on not letting it take control of me, and it's loosening its grip. I feel like I'm worth something. Like I am going to make it, even after people have told me I can't.

This past month has been one of the hardest in my life. I've tried suicide for a long time, again and again, thinking why I was still on this Earth. Late October, I tried it again...And went to the hospital. When I got out, I went on an Internet Relay Chat (IRC) and told a friend about it. I told him even after I've tried so many times to die, I can't. I was actually planning another way to die. But I realized to myself "I've done this so many times...Something has to be worth something to let me still be here." And I then knew I needed help.

I am part of an online community. The people there are some of the best people in the world I believe. If I didn't have them, I'd be dead. Literally, dead. They're the reason I'm alive. They are the reason I am strong right now.

It's been a few weeks and the pain is still here, and it's not going away. I've pretended to be happy, everywhere. I thought that people wouldn't leave me alone if I showed my emotions. But I then knew I was wrong to do that. I've kept my feelings inside long enough, and there's nothing wrong with telling people you're hurting. It makes you stronger; it helps you build as a community. And as a second family, they're always there for me.

There are still times where I think no one is there for me. Tonight as I'm writing this, I feel like I'm not wanted. I don't know why, I just feel lost. But I have to remember they're there for me. I can ask for their help and they'll always be there. I've chatted with people who have told me that they have no one. They think they were a mistake, just like me, and I know they probably don't have the support like I do. To them, I want to say that it's not true. You have support, you just need to be brave and ask for help. There's no shame in doing so; your life's important. And I just figured that out.

Sorry for the long post, and there's plenty more. I know I haven't posted in a long time, and that's not going to continue. I hope to overcome my troubles with you guys, and if any of you need to talk, please know that people care. Reach out and they will help you. Overcome the monster inside of you, don't let it take your life.

December

You feel alone....But you're not

Ever get those feelings when you're so alone, you think no one cares for you, and you feel you have nothing else? So lonely and just not feeling cared for, not wanting to be alive, feeling like you'd be more valuable dead than alive? Well, trust me, you're not alone.

When you feel depressed, or even suicidal, you'll get that feeling of helplessness inside of you, like you are going to die, because you think no one knows what you're going through. While it may feel true in your worst times, it's not. There are people there to help you and talk to you.

Recently, a few months ago, I was on the edge, crying my eyes out because I was so lonely. I felt like no one was there and felt like I couldn't wait until morning for people to talk again, I felt....Alone. Little did I know that I have people who love mw. They helped me get better to a certain extent. Whenever I feel bad, I look at their messages and think about how they would miss me if I died.

There are times when you can feel so alone, like you can't talk to anyone, and no one's active (online), awake, or you'll feel like you'll bother someone if you tell them you're alone. Don't hesitate to tell people. There are people who you'd be surprised that would offer to help. Sometimes, you'll say "No one cares for me", or "They don't care for me". Even if it feels like that, you can find refuge at places that are meant to help.

I know it sounds weird, but I love you all who are suicidal, depressed, or just feeling down. I'm always here to talk and lend a hand. I've saved a few lives (Somehow can't save myself?) and know what you're going through. You are not alone. You are alive, and even though you feel you're at the end of your rope, there's always someone who cares, and is willing to help.

Some helpful sites if you're ever down, http://crisischat.org and http://imalive.org

December (June)

Words can hurt

OK, I'm going to admit I've had a pretty stupid week, and it doesn't help at all about the suicidal thoughts. "A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart" - Exactly what has happened this week. I'm wondering tonight how many people have gotten called names. And how many people who have called others names. There are soooooooooooo many mean people in the world, and this week, it's been a racist world. How many of you guys are from a different country, and have gotten badmouthed for coming from a different country? It's not pleasant, that's for sure, and I don't think it's easy to get over it. One of my favorite quotes/poems:

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words can also hurt me.
Stones and sticks break only skin,
While words are ghosts that haunt me.

Slant and curved the word-swords
Fall to pierce and stick inside me.
Bats and bricks may ache through bones
But words can mortify me.

Pain from words has left its scar
On mind and heart that’s tender
Cuts and bruises now have healed
It’s words that I remember.

If anyone's said bad things to another person, please know that it makes nothing better for anyone. Know that you can't take back what you said, and, it could mean the difference between life, and a fatal accident. It also means you're hurting inside, and while being mean feels like a fix for your problems, it will make others feel bad and won't fix anything. Think before you speak.

Life's been pretty much depressing, and I'm pretty sure it'll get better, but until then, I'm just going to have to wait it out. I hope you all can, too. Best of luck,

December (June)

Overcome: Pilot

Hi all. I don't know really where to start...I guess I'll tell a bit about how I'm wanting this blog to be about. From the title name, it'll be about, overcoming life, in ways of suicide, depression, and just in general. I'll talk about things that have happened in my life, and, how to fix them. I'm hoping this will be a support for all of the people who have had bad thoughts and stuff. Although, I can't totally believe it yet, life will get better. Even of it's not there yet, it'll get better.

I've gotten inspiration to start this from many life changing events, good and bad. I'm wanting to say that I'm struggling every day with thoughts, and evilness, it's all around us, and it can't be stopped. However, we can overcome it. How? I can honestly say, I don't know. But, we will.

For this first blog post, I'm wanting to open up and tell you guys a bit about my life, and how it's bad. It's gotten betrayed, lied to, beaten up, and other horrible things. I've tried suicide 13 times. However, something throughout all of those times has kept me alive. I'm determined to find out what. I'm here for a reason. There's something in me, deep down, saying "I don't wanna die". Someone smart once told me that. I didn't believe it, but when I thought about it more, I can. I'm trying to heal, although, it's super hard. I have support from tons of friends, and will continue to overcome the hardships.

Plenty of my friends have had problems too. Suicidal, depression, self-harm, financial, emotional, physical, sexual, unspoken things, and know the road I'm on. I'm wanting to dedicate this blog to them, in hopes that they might someday read it, and know that I'm not creating this for me, but for them. I'm doing it for the people who think I should stay alive. They're the best people I could be around, and I couldn't ask for better friends.


With that, I'll conclude this pilot. Until later posts,

~ December (June)